How to Talk to Your Children About Disturbing News: An Age-by-Age Guide
In an era of 24/7 news cycles and social media, shielding our children from disturbing world events is nearly impossible. From international conflicts to local tragedies, children are absorbing information that can deeply impact their sense of safety—often before we even realize it.
Corey Reed Vanas, clinical therapist and founder of Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective, offers crucial guidance for parents navigating these difficult conversations. With over 20 years of experience working with children and families, Vanas breaks down how to approach these discussions in developmentally appropriate ways.
They're Listening From Day One
One of the most important truths Vanas shares is this: children are absorbing information from birth. "Babies aged zero to three are really influenced by their parent, their caregiver, the environment they're existing in," he explains. Even infants pick up on emotional cues—if you're upset or anxious about news events, they feel it.
Toddlers take this further. They're not just sensing emotions; they're listening and watching everything. "Whether they can fully understand it or process it, they're hearing things," Vanas notes. This means parents need to be thoughtful about conversations within earshot and the news playing in the background.
The Balancing Act: Honesty and Safety
The key to these conversations is balance—being honest while preserving your child's sense of security. Vanas emphasizes that this balance looks different for every child and family, depending on individual temperament and family values.
A helpful framework he offers for younger children: "Sometimes sad things happen in the world, and when they do, adults work together to help and keep children safe." This acknowledges reality while reassuring them that protective systems exist.
Age-Appropriate Approaches
Preschool (Ages 0-4): Focus on emotional regulation—yours and theirs. Use play as a processing tool. When Vanas's four-year-old saw footage of planes dropping fire retardant, he used simple, concrete language to explain what was happening, then validated her feelings.
Early Elementary (Ages 5-8): Use simple, specific language. Validate their emotions, ask questions, and listen. Books and stories are powerful tools at this age. Remember to take deep breaths yourself—your regulation helps them regulate.
Middle School (Ages 9-12): Engage in more dialogue with open-ended questions. Instead of "Was that scary?" try "How did that make you feel?" Acknowledge the complexity of situations and connect events to their community and peer relationships.
Teens (Ages 13+): Encourage critical thinking and media literacy. Discuss how to determine if information is accurate. This is an ideal time to channel their concerns into action—volunteering, advocacy, or donations. Listen to their opinions, even when they differ from yours, before challenging their thinking.
Warning Signs They're Struggling
Watch for significant behavioral changes lasting more than two to three weeks:
Sleep pattern disruptions
Changes in eating habits
Neglecting self-care
Social withdrawal
School performance decline
Regression behaviors in younger children
Excessive worry or out-of-control behaviors
Any notable shift in their typical attachment style—like sudden clinginess or unusual distance—warrants a check-in conversation.
When They've Already Been Exposed
What if your child has already encountered disturbing information before you had a chance to discuss it? Vanas's advice is straightforward: have an honest conversation. "When we have honest conversations with our kids, it builds trust. And when kids feel trust, they also build resilience."
Use the age-appropriate frameworks outlined above, reassure their safety, and remember: "There's no way to perfectly protect them from all the things in the world. The way we really protect them is by giving them the tools to navigate through the imperfect world we live in."
Don't Forget the Oxygen Mask
Perhaps most importantly, Vanas reminds parents of the airplane safety protocol: put your oxygen mask on first. "It role models to the young person, but it also helps that individual parent or caregiver to be able to show up as best they can."
This means managing your own information consumption, setting boundaries around news intake, and prioritizing your emotional well-being. If you need to step back from constant news consumption to regulate your own emotions, that's not weakness—it's wisdom.
These conversations will never be perfect, and that's okay. What matters is showing up, listening, validating feelings, and helping our children develop the resilience to navigate an increasingly complex world.
For more resources on supporting children through difficult topics, visit Rocky Mountain Counseling Collective at rmcchealth.com.