Finding Freedom After Domestic Abuse: A Therapist's Guide to Healing While Parenting

When you leave an abusive relationship with children in tow, the physical act of leaving is just the beginning. The real work—healing your trauma while being fully present for your kids—is a journey that requires compassion, support, and strategic self-care.

Licensed Professional Counselor Michelle Johns understands this intimately. Not only does she specialize in working with domestic violence survivors, but she's also lived it—leaving an abusive marriage when her oldest was three and a half and her daughter was just five months old.

The Hidden Impact on Children

One of the most important truths Michelle shares is this: your children are affected by abuse even when you think they're too young to remember. "Everything you experience in life is felt in your body," she explains. "When you're an infant in a volatile environment, your nervous system is already activated, patterns are being developed in your body and brain."

This means that leaving an abusive relationship, while necessary and brave, isn't the endpoint—it's the starting point for healing. Both you and your children need support to process what you've experienced, regardless of their age, when you left.

Safe Co-Parenting Strategies

For parents who must maintain contact with their abuser through co-parenting, Michelle emphasizes the importance of language and boundaries. She suggests calling custody exchanges "transition periods" rather than "exchanges"—helping children understand they're not commodities being passed between homes, but rather transitioning to the house they share with each parent.

Safety strategies include meeting in public places, having a trusted person nearby who can call 911 if needed, and always having an exit plan. Keep interactions brief and focused on the children's needs. Have bags packed, essential information written down, and communicate only what's necessary.

Recognizing When Trauma Affects Your Parenting

The most challenging aspect of post-abuse parenting is managing your own trauma responses while trying to be stable for your children. Michelle recommends starting with self-awareness: "Check in with yourself. Notice what's happening physically—racing heart, shortness of breath, that pit in your stomach."

Once you recognize these responses, ask yourself: "What do I need to be safe right now?" The answer might be as simple as taking deep breaths to regulate your nervous system, reminding yourself you're in a safe space now, or setting a firm boundary with your co-parent.

But here's the crucial piece: you need professional support. "It's important to have a therapist you're working with from the moment you decide to leave that relationship on," Michelle emphasizes. Support groups for both you and your children provide community healing that individual therapy can't replicate alone.

Rebuilding Your Support System

One of the most painful aspects of leaving abuse is losing relationships with people who don't understand or believe your experience. Michelle's advice? Speak up before you cut ties.

"Tell them: 'I feel minimized. What I need from you is support and to be believed.'" Be direct about what you've experienced and what you expect from the relationship. If they can't show up supportively after that conversation, then you can make informed decisions about distance and boundaries.

The Path to Freedom

Michelle shares an ancient Chinese proverb that captures the healing journey perfectly: "If you let go a little, you'll have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you'll have a lot of happiness. If you let go completely, you have freedom."

This doesn't mean forgetting what happened or excusing your abuser. It means refusing to drink poison every day and expecting someone else to die. It means moving from victim to survivor to someone who's simply living their life freely.

Give yourself at least a year of consistent therapy. Practice self-compassion. Join support groups. And remember: leaving was the courageous first step. Healing is the journey that sets you—and your children—truly free.